Soldier qualms
by Usara
Summary: Another try at Horizon. The day was off to a bad start with the Collectors escaping her grasp. The way things turned dry with Kaidan shouldn't have surprised her. Some strong language. One shot.


**_Hi everyone !_**

**_First, I'd like to apologize for two things : my poor style, because it is my first attempt at writing. And most of all, the errors of language, wrong turn of phrases, misuse of grammar and conjugation, spelling mistakes... english not being my mother tongue. I tried my best though :s_**

**_Naturally, I own nothing, nor the story nor the characters, as it is all BioWare property._**

**_I know there is a tremendous amount of work about the Shep and Kaidan meeting on Horizon, lots I found really good and convincing. And I guess I missed quite a few._**

**_But as I played ME2 again and hit Horizon... I just felt the need to put on words my take of the story. Sorry if it feels redundant :x_**

**_So here is depicted my Paragade Elizabeth Shepard, with Mordin and Jacob as teammates. I tried to stick as much as possible to the ingame dialogues._**

**_I humbly ask for your leniency, and comments. Thanks !_**

* * *

Mordin Solus put his gun back in his holster. His oversized black eyes gleamed from reflexion as he took a breath.

"Approximate calculation : 145 000 colonists hostages from Collectors. Maybe more. EDI would know the numbers. Hmm. Major consequences. Survival of the colony with a third of its population missing could be problematic. Industry and agriculture likely to meet trouble. Ecological issues too, if introduced flora remains unchecked. Lack of workers. Also, cognitive state of the colony to considerate... Yes. But can't do anything about that. Did what we could. No point in lingering here. Rest of the colony safe, have to move on. Much things to do. Hmm... Regret I can't stay to study those collectors a little. Yes, yes, yes. Much samples to be acquired here. Could be vital in understanding the enemy. Vital for mission." He sighed as he weighted the pros and cons. "... should salvage what we could, while we can. Will be destroyed or taken by remaining colonists. No, no, not destroyed. Destroying evidence governmental methods. Alliance would. Colonists keep what they find. Yes. Humans have that tendency to scavenging. No offense."

"Just do what you have to, Professor Solus" urged Jacob Taylor to shut him up. The Cerberus operative was leaning against a pile of crate and was methodically cleaning his weapon, brow frowned.

Liz stood still, breathing heavily, fists clenched. She looked at the Collector ship disappearing in the skies, which hold the colonists she had sworn herself to save. She had failed.

Behind her, Taylor suddenly swore and threw his gun to the ground.

"Half of the colony saved, yeah. Tell that to the other half" he muttered warily.

Liz felt the rage burned its way up to her brain and she stroked a crate nearby to evacuate the frustration. She hit it again and again, until her nerves slowly cooled off.

They were all gone and she couldn't do anything about it. And no sign of Kaidan. Dammit. Had those things taken him too ? If they had, they would _really_ piss her off. No one attacked her people. No one. Kaidan was _hers, _and she would unleash hell – even more than she already planned to – if they had touched only one of his hair.

The mechanic they had encountered earlier, Delan, came running to them, panting and sweating. He pointed to the fading light of the ship above their heads. It looked like a falling star, going upward. It could almost have been beautiful.

"Don't let them get away !"

"That ship is huge, how exactly are we supposed to catch it ?" she grunted.

"But all the colony is in there !" He began pacing frantically with hands above his head, as if trying to reach the already gone ship. "They took Eagan and Sam and Lilith and... Hell, do something ! They can't get away with it !"

"Denial. Regular post-traumatic reaction. Psychological issues to be expected" remarked Mordin.

Delan moaned helplessly until no trace of the Collector vessel remained in the bright blue sky of Horizon. He turned at Liz and grabbed her violently by the shoulders, shaking her.

"Do someth-"

Jacob pounced on him and threw him out of the way while Mordin held Liz's fist in mid air, preventing her to crash it in Delan's face.

Damn, punching the coward would have worked some stress out. But then he was just a victim of the Collectors too. A moron, but also a victim.

"I did my best. You just hid in your damned bunker while those things took your friends".

A punch may have been a bit too much, but she'd happily share some of the blame to lighten her back.

Jacob held out a hand to Delan to get him on his feet, but the mech jerked away from him and rose on his own with a hateful look. Taylor grimaced as he turned his back to the mech and went to sit on the crate Liz had damaged.

"If it wasn't for Shepard, all Horizon would be aboard that ship. You included, man."

"Shepard ?" Delan's eyes expressed surprise – then suspicion. "That's your name ? You... I have already heard it. Wait... Sure, I remember you ! You're some type of big Alliance hero... !" He spat to get rid of the foulness left in his mouth.

Liz opened her mouth but no sound came out. Her heart stopped in her chest.

Behind Delan, another man was marching in their direction. Wearing the standard issue Alliance military armor of ranked officer, a Hahne-Kedar Mantis model. Dark haired and tan skinned like almost all of humanity since the XXIIth century.

Though he seemed confident, he had the wary look of a soldier returning to base after a deadly mission.

Liz felt goosebumps growing on her arms and the shadow of a smile curved her lips.

In the corner of her eye, she saw Jacob resting his hand on the gun at his waist. She discreetly made a sign for him to rest easy.

"Commander Elizabeth Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko narrowed his eyes on Liz. His face was unreadable.

He had changed. The lines on his brow and under his eyes made him looked older. _He is older_, Liz corrected herself. In the four years she had spent on an operation table, she hadn't aged. He had. Other than that, he was still the handsome man she remembered and longed for.

It appeared he had heard the outburst between Delan and Liz from afar and he admonished the technician for his lack of respect. "You're in the presence of a legend, sir" he said with a frown. "A legend... and a ghost." He turned at Liz again and stared coldly at her.

Unaware of the drop of temperature in the atmosphere, Delan resumed his bitching, this time aimed at Alenko. "This is all your fault. We were safe before you attracted attention on us with your damned defenses ! I can't believe it … all the good people we lost and you got left behind. Figures." He spat again with disgust. "Screw this ! I'm done with you Alliance types."

An awkward silence fell on the group as Delan limped away.

Mordin cleared his throat discreetly and wandered about, humming, free to study the remaining of husks and collectors left on the battlefield. Jacob hesitated for a moment and finally retreated to the controls of the defensive towers on which he pretended to take interest.

Liz was aware both Solus and Taylor were merely leaving her privacy with Alenko.

Cerberus people knew about them. And the professor was clever enough to rally the dots between her recent inquiries and that Alliance officer stationed on Horizon she'd have burned out the Normandy's engines to reach in time.

Or maybe they had heard of the holo of her former lieutenant on her desk. Chambers couldn't keep her mouth shut.

Alenko eyed Shepard's companions in silence for a moment.

She kept quiet. She was happy to see him safe and sound, but she felt he was angry. At her ? She didn't really understand why. Maybe it was just the Collectors, maybe like her he felt guilty for the abducted colonists.

Finally, he moved closer and planted his eyes in hers. He seemed undecided, then opened his arms and caught her in a strong embrace.

She was taken aback. She had never felt at ease with public displays of emotions. It embarrassed her. Not that she felt ashamed by the feelings themselves, but rather about the situation: she always felt gauche and coarse when it came to that.

Friendship was easier. Trust and loyalty came naturally to her and she had always made a priority to know her crew, to get acquainted to them. To let them know her. You could not expect respect and reliance from a stranger, and it worked both ways.

But this... what had bonded her to Kaidan... she wondered what it really was. She had enjoyed battlefield flirting, as he had called it. There was something mannish in it. Must come with being a soldier. Not much room for femininity and delicacy in military life.

Some may have said this infatuation had been predictable, given the circumstances. Threat of a suicide mission had led camaraderie into fraternization. Though against regs, it was common.

Or maybe it wasn't. She had been his commanding officer. Intercourse between privates happened. A commander and his lieutenant entering a relationship was a major breach of protocol. Because that kind of liaison could endanger the mission and weakened their resolve when it came to accomplish their duty.

Dammit, how could they say her personal feelings could overwhelm her responsibilities ? When she had sacrificed so much to save the Council, although her _personal feelings_ involved throwing those assholes through the nearest airlock ?

Her relationship with Kaidan had been no mere fraternization. She felt different with him. _Near_ him. She was drown to him. Like magnets, bound to find each other wherever in the galaxy.

Liz clumsily closed her arms around his waist, hampered by her own armor. Though she unexpectedly savored the sweetness of the moment, she wished she could feel Kaidan's body against hers. How she had missed him...

She rested her face in the crook of his neck, breathing his scent. Sweat, dust, and a lingering fragrance of aftershave. A manly scent. She suppressed a chuckle, wondering what he would think about _her_ smell.

She was a soldier. Her brain and heart always raced faster than light when it came to plan, lead, fight, shoot, hold, ask, answer, conciliate, advocate, everything that had been her life from her time as a gang thug in the London suburbs, through her Alliance military officer career, at turning into a Collector hunter with Cerberus... She just figured that in all that time, all those lives, Kaidan had been her only island of peace and rest. Chakwas words came back to her : "_a place for a person to stop, and catch her breath"_. Kaidan had been that place for her.

Even now, after the thwart that had been this assignment, in his arms she was renewed, strengthened. She had told him back then. Simply, bluntly : with him, she could take on the universe.

She felt Kaidan's lips brushed against her ear. "I thought you were dead Lizzie..."

Her throat dried up at the remembrance of the falling Normandy. How she had urged him – _ordered_ him – away with the rest of the crew to the escape pods, while she had remained on the ship to find Joker. She had never thought the "aye, aye" of her lieutenant and lover was a goodbye. Never thought she would not get alive from the ship. Never thought she would come back from the dead.

She tightened her grip around him but he gently pushed her away. And here was the cold stare again, and their embrace felt like it happened in another life.

"We _all_ thought you were dead." He scowled.

She was at a loss. Since she had learned of his presence on Horizon, she had hoped for a joyous reunion. A bit of flirting over a few drinks, laughing how they had kicked those Collectors asses, and he would run the galaxy at her side again. She had took for granted he would be happy to see her. Even more since she had been a welcome sight to Tali and Garrus, though in comparable dire conditions. But he definitely didn't looked happy, and she didn't felt welcome.

"It feels so good to see you again, it's been so long..." she hazarded with an awkward smile.

The words sounded lame, even to her. Damn, what was happening ? A gift for speech, had said Captain Anderson. In this very moment, she didn't looked gifted at all.

Come to think of it, had she really been when it came to Kaidan ? _Bunk with me tonight. _There _must_ have been some more delicate way to ask _that_. She grinned inwardly at the thought. Bunk with me ? What a laugh.

She had never gone on tiptoes as far as men were concerned. Being blunt had actually always paid off. But once again, what she felt for Kaidan was different from what she had felt for others. It may have worked back on the first Normandy, when they were both marines, and both had desperately craved for each other. Strange to think it was easier when there were regs.

What they had shared – not just that night of physical comfort – but the rest : the pressure of their mission, facing not only Saren, but an enemy of which they ignored everything, the sense of defeat, when they had been locked down, and the deaths. All those deaths. Jenkins, Kahoku. Ash... All those civies on Eden Prime, on Feros, on the Citadel. All those marines went MIA or KIA to save that damned Council...

They had faced it together, giving each other strength and hope. And it had grown into something else, something... almost tangible, that she could have touched it with the tips of her fingers.

He looked angry.

"How've you been ?" she tried. Her mouth was oddly dry.

"Is that all you have to say ?" Anger, resentment, bitterness. He threw all that in her face. "You show up after four years and just act as if nothing happened ?"

She wasn't a marine anymore. There were no more regs. But there were still rules when matters of the heart were involved. And the rules had changed when she had died, when he had mourned her, and when she had resurrected. What those rules may be now, she did not know.

Surely, she should have guessed things would be different four years after. She kept on hearing that, four years.

Four years.

She kept on forgetting too. But how could they understand, all of them, that she only remembered a few weeks after a long and dreamless night in the nothingness ?

She still felt like the Normandy blew up only two months ago.

"I thought we had something, Lizzie." Kaidan looked down and shook his head. "Something real...". She almost chocked when hearing her own thoughts in his mouth. Great minds think alike, they said. Soul mates too.

_Maybe we still do, Kaidan. Give us a chance to find out. _But the words did not cross her lips.

She felt stupid. Like a teenager facing her first break-up on the high school bench. At least that's how she envisioned it, since she had never been to high school.

"I loved you". He smiled and took her hand in his, but he would not look at her in the eye.

Again she wished they were not all armored, she longed to feel his touch. To see the contrast of his light-bronze skin against her pale complexion.

_You loved me. But you don't anymore._

Had she loved him ? Was it love she felt for him ? Love was ever so dramatic in the vids, she never had felt anything like that. She had just felt safe, comforted... genuinely good actually. But also virtuous, worthy and strong and...

Virmire.

It crashed on her mind like a flooding wave of shame and remorse.

She had let a friend, a sister, to die on that goddamn planet. She knew she couldn't have saved them both. It was a fact.

Kaidan had been the highest ranked officer. The regs dictated her to rescue him. Yeah, but she had never been really fond of regs. Not when actual people were concerned. Protocol and life should never be put on the same level.

"_Why me ? Why not her ?"_

"_I'm sorry. It was a tough call, but I had to help the biggest surviving team. To save as many people as I could."_

"_You know it wasn't the only reason. Ash died because of me. Because of us."_

_Us._

She had denied.

The salarian STG were with him. Ash's squad had already been gunned down by the geth. She had to rescue the AA Tower team. It was a fact. Common sense. Logic. Cold calculation. She had done what was expected of her. She had done her duty.

And that night as she had laid alone in her cabin, sleepless, she had tried to silence that tiny voice in her head, the voice asking if she would have undergone the same decision if Kaidan had been with the nuke and Ash with the salarians.

Because deep inside, she had known her feelings had carried some weight. She could never have left him behind. Never. And he had known it too.

Her hands grew sweaty in her armored gloves.

_You loved me. And I think I loved you too. I guess I still do._

He released her hand and his smile faded. And the angry Kaidan charged at her again. "Thinking you were dead tore me apart ! How could you put me through that ? Why didn't you tried to contact me ? Why didn't you let me know you were alive ?" he shouted.

She quietly acknowledged his rancor. A knot formed in her belly.

What was there to say ?

_I spent the last four years unconscious. When I woke up, I tried to find you. God knows I tried. I couldn't go to the Citadel, not with my "allies". I asked where I could, I even asked Garrus to see Anderson. But he was never received. Kasumi searched the extranet for me, since my dear benefactor filtered all info and data I have access to. Your files were classified. I couldn't find you Kaidan. And then, I'm told you're on Horizon. That the colony has gone dark, that the Collectors are here. I came with godspeed because I had to protect the colonists. And because I needed to find _you_. But it doesn't matter anymore, does it ?_

Justifications would not help her. He had made up his mind.

A queer sensation lifted her guts. She felt nauseous. She told him without thinking, but she understood, too late, that the words had got out wrong.

"I'm sorry but I wasn't conscious those past years. And then, so much time had passed, I thought you had moved on. I didn't want to reopen old wounds."

He looked at her with consternation, visibly wounded by her casual tone. "I _did_ move on." He paused. Then added, more to himself than to her, "... at least, I thought I did."

He walked slowly past her and locked his gaze on Jacob who was kneeling near Mordin over a dead collector remain. Maybe the Cerberus agent felt the glare of Kaidan stabbing him, for he turned and rose, challenging the Alliance Commander with a defying look. He stick out his chest, proudly showing the Cerberus logo on his uniform. With a stern face, he saluted, then walked past him and stood beside Liz, arms crossed on his chest, but leaving the imprint in plain sight.

Liz cursed Jacob's pride. He wasn't making things easier for her.

"So you and Cerberus... I can't believe the reports were right" said Kaidan, disgust plain on his handsome face.

If Jacob had been hurt by Kaidan's reaction, he did not show it. Instead, his eyes widened at what had been mentioned. "Reports ?" He looked at Liz with confusion. "What reports ?"

Liz was as bewildered as Jacob. The places they had been and the people they had met since she had began to follow the leads of the Illusive Man could be pretty much summarized by Omega. The others had been remote locations, all under mercs controls as well.

She had postponed as long as she could from revealing her identity or being recognized – and facing the consequences of her alliance. Not by fear, she did not forsake her collaboration with Cerberus. But if it came out publicly, Alliance could try to stall her, and her mission was too important to suffer any administrative delays. As a result, she had not landed on the Citadel yet, and had entered the Concilian Space only once – with Kasumi, under a false identity and aboard shuttles to leave the Normandy in the Terminus System. And if Donovan Hock eventually pierced through her disguise, Kasumi had hacked his network, and he did not lived to tell the tale. Her little trip on Bekenstein had remained unknown.

All for nothing it would seem, because the Alliance already knew.

Only two person had known who she was and who she worked with besides her own team : Tali and Aria. She trusted entirely her quarian friend, and the queen of Omega wouldn't have gained anything by tipping the Alliance about her. So how... and _who_ had... ?

Without really noticing it, the job had overridden her personal predicament.

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies," resumed Kaidan. "They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me but... there were rumors... that you weren't dead – that you were working for the enemy."

Liz's heart missed a beat. "Cerberus and I only want the same thing : to save our colonies ! That doesn't mean I answer to them !" She glanced warily at Jacob, but the former corsair didn't seem to be moved by the declaration. After all, he already knew her stand about their cooperation. She had been clear on that point since the beginning and unlike Miranda, he had no problem with it.

"Do you really believe that ?" spat Kaidan as he walked back to her with a dangerous light in his eyes. "Or is that just what Cerberus want you to think ? I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like _this_ !" he gestured at Jacob.

The Cerberus agent made a face that might as well have said where Alenko could stuff his spite for him. Kaidan ignored him.

"You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance." His gaze hardened as he weighted his words. "You betrayed _me_."

Liz burst, either from despair or exasperation. Surely a bit of both. "Kaidan, you _know_ me ! You know I'd only do this for the right reason !" Pretty poor argumentation she realized. _Remember_, she told herself. _Four years_. She could already hear Kaidan replying "_Yeah, it's been so long, so much time have passed._" Her own words. She didn't let him the chance."You saw it yourself ! The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they are working with the Reapers !"

Kaidan's mouth twitched. He knitted his brow, visibly trying to figure the truth within the lies. "I want to believe you, Lizzie..." he said eventually, "but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate you. What if they're behind it ? What if they're working with the Collectors ?"

"Typical Alliance attitude," bemused Jacob. "You're so hung up on Cerberus that you can't see the real threat."

Guilt seized Liz as she remembered the body of Admiral Kahoku, surrounded by husks, trapped in a Cerberus facility. Kaidan and Ash had been with her. They all had been pretty shaken by the gruesome discovery, and its implications : Cerberus had been running experiments with husks.

In some way, she could understand his reluctance to believe her, just as she had mistrust Jacob and Miranda, just as she still sensed that the Illusive Man hid things from her. But then she had saw first-handed what the Collectors were trying to accomplish. And only Cerberus was acting against them. She had joined force with a lesser evil to stop a greater one. The Alliance had not moved a single finger. They had just raised an eyebrow and sent Kaidan to Horizon.

Why him ? Why sending the Staff Commander Alenko against the will of Captain Anderson ? He had volunteered certainly but... Something was amiss, something about wrong timing : Kaidan had been sent here weeks ago. She had learned of the Collector attack a few hours before landing.

Shit. That illusive son of a bitch had set a trap for the Collectors, with Kaidan as bait. TIM owed her a few explanations. But now was not the best moment to let Kaidan know... Showing doubts about the cause you want someone to join in could not really help.

"You're letting how you feel about their history getting in the way of the facts..." she sighed.

"Maybe" conceded Kaidan. "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe _you_'re the one who's not thinking straight..." He still was unconvinced.

Damn. When had he become so stubborn ? How could he be denying the very facts ? How could he not trust her ? He, of all people ?

"You've changed." he said lightly.

_So did you_, she thought bitterly. The man she had known had followed her into mutiny, stealing the Normandy. When she had doubted, he had comforted her, in more than a way.

"_If I didn't think you were doing the right thing, if I didn't believe in you, I wouldn't be here."_

And then they had been through hell and back. But it had been a long time ago. Another era, another life.

Indeed, time had passed.

"I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be."

So that was how he really saw her. As a traitor, a turncoat. A coward. That was the final blow.

Her mind went blank. The strange sensation in her gut had settled.

Now there was only a hole.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel." He lifted his hand to her face, and for a second it looked like he would brush his thumb against her lips, like he used to. But he stopped before reaching her mouth, and shook his head sadly. "They can decide if they believe your story or not."

Without another word, he walked past her and left.

He hadn't even said goodbye.

Just like on the Normandy. They hadn't said goodbye. And she had died.

She had to stop those treacherous bastards of Collectors and she wasn't sure she could do it without him. And they hadn't even said goodbye.

The hollow grew inside her. It sucked and swallowed everything.

Kaidan suddenly came to a stop as if realization had hit him right in the jaw. "Goodbye, Shepard." He paused, unsure if she had heard him. She hadn't turned to watch him go. She could not look at him."And... be careful" he added softly.

She did not flinched.

True love only happens once in one's life, they said. And Liz let hers drifting away without saying a word. In the vids, when love came to an end, it was sad and painful.

She didn't feel sorrow. She didn't feel pain. She didn't feel anything at all.

"_Ash died because of me. Because of us."_

"_And this is what will never happen again. Us."_

"_Shepard... You make me feel human..."_

"_Us."_

She stared at nothing, lost in her thoughts. His words, the ones he had whispered to her so long ago, rang like an endless echo in her ears.

"_I think about losing you and I can't stand it."_

"_This will never happen again."_

"_And the galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come round again. But you and I, we are important right now."_

"_Cause this is what will never happen again. Us."_

"_...but you and I..."_

"_Us..."_

"_...never..."_

"_Shepard..."_

"_I think about losing you..."_

"_Goodbye, Shepard."_

"_...Shepard..."_

_Shepard..._

"Shepard ?"

She woke suddenly when the three-fingered hand of Mordin Solus gently touched her arm. She didn't know how long she had stood motionless, head down, drowning in her own memories. Maybe seconds, maybe hours... _Maybe four years_.

"Are you alright, Shepard ?"

She looked blankly at the salarian.

In the vids, the unfortunate lovers cried their heart out as they picked up the shattered pieces of it. She didn't feel like crying. There was no tears inside of her. There was no broken heart either.

There was nothing. Nothing but her duty.

She wondered if it would be enough to refill the growing emptiness inside her.

The concerned look of the salarian brought her back to reality.

Liz took a deep breath. She was a soldier. Not an upset schoolgirl. Not a discarded ragdoll. Not the tragic heroin of an ancient myth.

She would take solace in her mission. At least she would try. She had to. There was still so much to be done. There would not be another failure like Horizon. Never.

Next time, she would save the colonists.

Next time, she'd tell Kaidan what he meant to her.

She finally nodded to Mordin and activated her comlink on the Normandy's range with a new determination.

"Joker ? Send a shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."

* * *

**_Notes :_**

**_I drifted a bit from the original ingame context :_**

**_I extended the meantime between Shepard's death and resurrection to four years, because I always thought two were too short for the reaction of the people encountered throughout the game. Four years seemed more accurate to me._**

**_Also, though it is not mentioned explicitly, my Shep encountered Kasumi on Omega, where I feel our favorite thief was more likely to arrange a meeting. Thus resulting in the fact she have not land on the Citadel yet at this point of the story._**


End file.
